Reflecting on my journals as I finish off my memoir, I’m excited to be at this point, it’s been a constant in my life, the desire to write, the desire to understand and to share the journey with others. The one thing that keeps coming up in my journals is the idea that I’m recording my life in such detail so that I’ll write a book, that I’m experiencing certain things in life for the purpose of illuminating the highs and lows, to use my experiences for good somehow, it’s as though my life is one long experiment and I’m the researcher, and the subject. I’m constantly evaluating things from my own subjective experience but also in terms of what it says about society and the systems of life, it’s the sociologist in me I guess, I’ve always had a good sociological imagination, before I even knew of such a concept, I employed the approach. I’d recommend reading ‘The Sociological Imagination’ by C Wright Mills, I first encountered the text at university when I ended up doing sociology by chance, and like many things in my life, I recognised it, it intuitively made sense to me as a perspective, it was one that was natural for me and felt familiar, to connect the social, personal and historical dimensions of life, to see links between our supposedly private problems and wider social issues.
“From childhood’s hour I have not been, as others were, I have not seen, as others saw. I could not awaken, my heart to joy at the same tone. And all I loved, I loved alone.
-Edgar Allan Poe
I’ve experienced a habit now, I know how it feels, how it clouds life and makes everything a hassle. I have seen the good parts, the joy, the freedom, the relxation and creative thought…but I have seen the bad too, the debt, the lies, the dodgy people, the fear, the pain and restriction….I can see how easy it is to stay stuck, I can see why some people prefer it, life can be hard and hopeless…but not for me and Marcel, we are going to get well, I’m gonna get fit and healthy. Life can be simple again, Marcel on the boat fishing, earning us some much needed cash, I can try and get a book published and develop POPPY, perhaps do my arts project work, hopefully the police will get a good result with teacher enquiry, this will be about starting over and revisting dreams once left behind. I know its possible and once over this hurdle and out the other side I can start to work towards it.
Excited about sleeping under the stars, excited about sleeping under the moon, surrounded by nature…how lovely! I do feel a slight anxiety/fear though…all the normal doubts attached to change..how will it work out, will we be ok, is it the right choice, are we doing the right thing…have I failed, am I fooling myself..will I survive, what tests will this bring, will it be stable and secure- so many little flashes that flicker in the mind, but then I know that fear is to be faced, and I must conquer it, as long as we keep trying to find balance, that’s the main thing, to keep striving, to have dreams.
Cosmos can you hear me, I’m a little bit scared, Everything being stripped away, I’m letting it happen I know, Trying to see what it’s all about, what it’s teaching me. The test, not always apparent. Cosmos please guide me, sweep me the right way, I hear you in the whispering wind, You’re floating through the trees. Float with me…Reach me. Spirit guides please free me, help me to really See. Protect me on this new path, keep me strong and faith held firm. Show me the way. I want to nurture my creativity, I want to return to health, I want to stimulate my mind and soul. I want to feel the buzz. I hope you can hear me, of course you can hear me. I hope my pleas make sense. They are honest and true, what I ask of you. Remove the negative strain. I know what I have to do. I will listen to you. With an open heart, I am ready to receive. Thank you x
Yes – I’m living in a tent, proper little gypsy now, me and Charlie are like little roamers – walking everywhere and then back to our base camp, it’s so chilled, relaxing more than ever! I do like the simple life, basic living suits me just fine, need a few essentials to make life easier which include; bottles of water, wet wipes, camping stove, toilet roll, lantern/candles, juice, nibbles. Marcel will be back in the night, can’t wait to welcome him home, he will love our cosy set up. Can’t wait! xx
When I read these journals entries I’m tempted to change them as I write them here, I want this process to be one of authenticity and truth, I know it needs to be for the process to work organically, for the healing it provides to evolve with gentleness. That said, I feel twinges of embarrassment and regret, these times were loaded with shame and it still evokes those same feelings but thankfully with some understanding and compassion. I can read between the lines, I can feel the deeper truth, the profound sadness, the disconnect, the desperate desire for peace both within me and around me. I can feel the child me in the words written, even in the way its written, my naivety and emotional immaturity shines through and with it the childlike coping of dreams, magic, nature and reunion. To those of you reading this, I thank you, my heart is feelings things I thought were lost, in sharing the secret and subtle parts of myself in this way, sharing them with you, I’m seeing myself afresh, I’m spending time with myself in ways I thought were never possible, thank you for making it possible. We heal alone, and we heal together.
“In youth we learn; in age we understand.”
― Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach