“Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable” Francis Bacon
When I first sat down to write this post I tried to remember what happened seven years ago without looking in my journals for detail, I remembered that I’d moved in to my friend Ruby’s house a few months earlier in preparation for going to rehab, and I was going to look after her dog whilst she was away in Australia, and she was going to look after Charlie whilst I went to rehab. Rehab fell through and I was in a mess about how to move forward. What I do remember is feeling guilty about not being honest with my friend about my addiction, she knew that I was having mental health struggles, she knew that the police were investigating my former secondary school teacher for historic sexual abuse, she knew that I was on ‘medication’ to help me but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I’d become a heroin addict over the last few years. It’s funny how I was more comfortable with her knowing about the sex work than my addiction, the stigma attached to being a heroin addict is immense, people make all sorts of assumptions, and I couldn’t handle her thinking those things of me, but then that’s me assuming she wouldn’t understand, perhaps I didn’t give her enough credit but it shows how much I valued her role in my life, as maintaining such a lie is hard work, deceit is hard, it’s exhausting and just increases the shame experienced.
Ruby had been in my life for many years, she was my best friend, we shared in our love for our dogs, we both enjoyed walking and being outdoors exploring, she had known my mum and struggles with family, she’d always been there for me, Ruby was the closest thing to family I had, and she knew I was struggling with my relationship, my partner was also a heroin addict, but he had the added complication of being alcoholic too and this would cause a lot of stress. Spending time with Ruby was a welcome break, it was nice to be around someone who didn’t use drugs, who maintained a normal life, she worked hard, paid her bills, enjoyed the simple things in life and when I was with her I felt free of all the addiction bullshit, because I couldn’t speak to her about that world it provided a space to be all of the other things I was, not just junkie me.
The risk of losing this by telling her the truth was too great, our relationship was prescious to me, it grounded me, it gave me a hope for the future, and reminded me I wasn’t just my addiction, this friendship sustained me, and thanks to Ruby I discovered West Cornwall, we’d take long weekend breaks to a holiday cottage and walk for miles each day. I’d cry when we had to return home as thoughts of using, sex working and the abuse case would flood my mind and create anxiety and tension, and it was these trips that made me realise how important it was for me to leave my situation, Ruby was an important part in all this, and she’s still in my life today, and now knows the truth, I’ll be forever grateful for her continued presence in my world.
When I looked at my journals they were filled with so many random notes and ideas, my mind was all over the place, the hand writing looks like several different people have written it, the different parts of me I guess, here’s some of the entries:
June and July 2013
I was going to write about signs and signals, how the universe always finds a way to connect or give an indicator, even if you try to resist or ignore, by any means the cosmos will guide your path, we are always free to resist, but eventually, you just see.
I remember reading something years ago around the time me and C split, I remember reading about MEI’s as messages, Mental Emotional Images I think, how we received this signals, in films, tv, music, things we hear people say, triggers that make us connect something, people sent to us at particular points. These MEI’s are the things we need to work through and often we meet people who have similar MEI’s so that we can work through them and journey to some discovery together, well, it was something along those lines.
When I take a less spiritual approach to life (actively), when on a path of self-destruct and reckless abandon I tend to not listen to music or read and write, I don’t do my runes, I starve myself of these spiritual stimulants and it shows. Somehow the cosmos reaches me, through Charlie, through people I meet in day to day stuff, in the tv stuff I watch, or radio 4 often brings me signs, and then just as I’m writing this, with Charmed on in the background, I hear them talking about the universe giving signs! Funny.
It’s a beautiful, sunny, crisp day, the sea looks calm and inviting, the air has warmth to it, it’s truly lovely today. I am thankful for this wonderful world, nature is quite uplifting, looking out to see I can see Lundy Island waiting curiously in the distance, boats cruise along each on its own unique adventure, life is happening all around me, a constant ebb and flow of life, beating away, relentless, meaningful, strong. Life has so much potential, it’s a gift, the most wonderful gift, and I welcome my spirit guides at this time to guide me, to nurture my passage, to help me realise the potential that exists within me. I am floundering at the moment, scared and anxious that I’m wasting this most precious gift, and I’d be very grateful if the cosmos and my guides could find me and help me find my way back again, back and beyond. I want to live fully, I want to be all I can. I listen with an open heart, I’m ready to receive. And so the next chapter begins….
I‘ve always tried to not let my childhood impact me but it has in everyway. I can’t escape that but I can escape it now, I can choose to live without the scars of past. I’ve been punishing myself for so long now, over so much, the abortion mainly, not sure if I’ll ever come to terms with it fully, as life unfolds perhaps it will make sense, I hope so. I can’t help but think of my beautiful twins, how old they’d be, their little personalities developing and blossoming, me as a mother, would I be good, I think I could be. I have so much love to give, and I’m so sorry I had the abortion, please spirit guides help me deal with this, I need to find a way to forgive, truly. I’ve made so many mistakes and errors but I’ve done some good too, my memories are filled with so much happiness, love and friendship, memories of work, and memories of my little Charlie, the joy I experience with him is wonderful, I value life in a different way thanks to Charlie and his curious and playful spirit, I love that dog sooooooo much. No more excuses, that’s the thought of the moment, no more excuses.
It’s really sad that Finn from Glee has been found dead, heroin overdose with alcohol in his system, accidental they think, it’s crazy, he was so young. More young people need to know the risks with gear, poor JT who died the first time he used it, he was drunk at that time. Knowing what I know now I realise how easy it is for someone to die accidentally with gear, even more so when alcohols involved. Made me think, maybe I’ll write a book about heroin, LSD and general drugs experiences to show what damage it can do, the risks. There are things people should know to keep them safe, never take heroin when drunk.
I wrote the quote below in my journal, I was reading The Road Less Travelled by M.Scott Peck during this period and I loved it, it was helpful to my thought processes and enabled me to think about my problems differently.
“As Benjamin Franklin said, ‘Those things that hurt, instruct.’ It is for this reason that wise people learn not to dread but actually to welcome problems and actually to welcome the pain of problems.” M. Scott Peck
I still believe that people come in to your life for a reason, I still believe in signs and synchronicities, and all the subtle signals that the cosmos and spirit guides use to guide my passage. I still believe that people need to understand the risks involved in using heroin, and since these journal entries I’ve had some very intense reminders. What I’m beginning to notice is how childlike some of my writing and journal notes are, I dart between different states of mind and being, different parts of myself, but when I’m being emotionally honest there is often a more immature tone, one that’s naïve and innocent, crazy really, as I’m sure that most people wouldn’t describe me as innocent after the life I’ve lived, but there is still a part that remains, a thread to something once known but now lost. I feel it when I watch the birds, when I play with my dog, when I’m struck by wonder at the beauty of the world. I love nature for this return to innocence it provides, even if fleeting.
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