I’m continuing my journey back through the last eleven years, as eleven years ago my life changed, My mum had passed away and I was in the process of having a breakdown but didn’t realise that at the time. I’d also become separate from my normal group of friends and the ex boyfriend that I was still obsessing over, convinced that he would wake up one day and realise he’d made a massive mistake and would want to reunite. Our break up had triggered the compensatory imaginative scenarios I often use when in a process of unrequited love or rejection. I’d allow fantasies of romantic longing to sustain me, when the real world was too hard to digest.
I’d abandoned my job as a mental health therapist and had started sex working. Eleven years ago I’d been doing my new occupation for about two months. I had started escorting with an agency called ‘Avec Moi’ but after a few appointments I realised I could manage my bookings myself and wouldn’t have to share any of the income with the agency. I was shown a world I never really knew existed, there were countless websites where people could advertise sexual or companionship services, there were ladies who offered web cam experiences, those who provided more bespoke services involving fetishes, bondage and other tailor made services, and then there were those like me offering girlfriend type experiences. I liked this new world, it fascinated me, and it played to my strengths, I’d always been someone who was able to read what people wanted and needed, I could relate to almost anyone, I was open-minded and curious about the type of people I’d meet. The following journal entry details some of my more unique clients and the state of my mind at the time, I was desperately adrift and felt as though all the people I’d relied on and felt close to had abandoned me. I’ve always been sensitive to abandonment and rejection, and have only in recent years realised the full extent of these sensitivities.
I went to Bristol yesterday to see Giles, he has a big golf comp today and apparently seeing me helps enormously! I visited him at the Bristol Hotel, it was all very swish and contemporary with a stylish, funky feel. We had a nice time, drank some champagne, chatted for ages, laughed lots, and I stayed far too long which was a bit silly, but hey ho, customer relations and all that jazz. He’s quite a surprise really, he’s an older chap, in his fifties but obviously used to people doing what he wants, I get the impression his work is quite high profile, investments and finance, he talks openly about his wife and children, and other men he works with who also see ladies like myself. In his world it’s quite normal for chaps to use escort services, it’s part of the package of overnight travel it seems. He likes to be wanted, he enjoys the anticipation of intimacy, the playfulness and flirting, the sensual and tender touches that tempt and tease. I like that I find him interesting, the conversation intrigues me, and I’m becoming aware that this new world is not so new to many.
I stayed at the Great Western Hotel in Exeter the other night, I was messed about by one client and then saw a new client called Jeff, he was funny, a jack the lad type, thinks he’s a real ladies man and that he is a sexual superstar, always ready to please and satisfy, of course I go along with it, if that’s how he wants to be seen then why not, it’s all good fun. I saw him late in the evening and he reminded me of some of Marks mates, I’m sure he was a builder or something. I got off to sleep easily and woke early for breakfast before driving home.
That evening I saw a new client called Paul at the Southgate Hotel in Exeter. He was not what I expected, he was a true gentleman, and trades in high value racehorses and other investments that involve ridiculous amounts of money. He was very charming, we chatted for three hours and I kept expecting him to suggest we go to the hotel room to enjoy ourselves more privately but he never did, nothing physically intimate at all took place, he made me laugh, he was fascinating with his stories of travel, adventure and his high class lifestyle, it amuses me. I think the upper classes and lower classes have quite a lot in common, both enjoy excess, but for different reasons and through different means, both classes often break the rules of society, just in different ways. He asked me lots of questions and seemed eager to know lots about me, and was insistent that he get to know the real me. I don’t think I’ve ever been treated like such a lady, I felt totally spoilt and sensed a genuine warmth from him. It was a pleasure to spend time in his company. He has asked if I’ll do an overnight booking and stay in London with him, he said he would get me my own hotel room and just wanted to enjoy my company and show me a nice time. I’m up for that. I’d love more clients like him, where conversation is key, the intimacy is more emotional than sexual.
Well I finally spoke to Tobias, nearly two weeks after I was due to see him, it was good to talk as I’d seen photos online of him and all the others at the Den in London, I felt left out, and asked him why he didn’t just tell me, why just ignore my calls and texts. I have this overwhelming feeling at the moment that I don’t matter, I feel as though I’m starting to hold back on telling people my feelings, it’s easier to put on a front, I feel as though people don’t understand or wouldn’t understand. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives which I get but I’m starting to question so much, who I can trust, who really cares, who even knows the real me. I have so much anger, hurt and fear building inside, I can feel it growing, and I know I’ve relied on my friends too much in the past, I know I need to find ways to manage alone and not be so demanding and needy of those close to me, I just don’t know how.
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