Reviewing my journals from eight years ago I was surprised at how much was going at that time. I was desperately trying to maintain links with my pre-heroin life, and despite being in chaos myself, I was attempting to help someone I love with their mental health. Looking back it’s easy to see I wasn’t in any position to support others, but as my habit was stable, and my means of securing the drugs I needed was also routine, life did take on a feeling of stability, and the heroin masked much of what I was dealing with. I was also still trying to be the person people knew me as, responsible, of service to others, compassionate. My journals reveal that this was too much, you can’t help others until you help yourself.
“If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too”
From Rudyard Kipling’s poem If, a favourite of mine which has become a mantra, I recite it as I walk and it always brings perspective and some peace.
Catch Up Page-
Phoenix Centre for SWU 10th Birthday Bash
Me, Marcel and two others went to Exeter for the gig, was lovely to see everyone. Krafty Sheep did one room, Roland the Bastard was the main act, was good to see him and chat, everyone played a set and they were awesome, it was such a nice feeling. Loved dancing and getting high on mdma, I love to share moments and smiles. Said hello to so many people I’ve not seen for ages. I loved it so much. I love dancing, especially to techno! Weird that this was my regular life, I used to do this most weekends, it was a bit bittersweet but I’m aware my life requires different things now, the more I try to hold on to my old life, the more I’m causing myself pain. Sometimes you have to walk a lonely path, it doesn’t diminish all that was shared and all the memories. As soon as we got back we used, and the thoughts didn’t bother me anymore.
I keep getting attacking texts from Summer, accusing me of things, telling me I plot and plan, trying to make me doubt others, trying to hurt me. She’s so confused, it’s heart-breaking, such a sad situation. She keeps muddling things up that were said or that she thought, so paranoid, keeps saying I’m a liar and others too. I phoned nhs direct and they said she should go to A&E, I suggested this to her but I’ve not had anything back, I’m worried. I know I shouldn’t take it personally but it does hurt, when she’s nasty I try to ignore it because I know it’s attached to her mental health and condition but it still destroys me inside, I care so much but feel powerless, everything I try to do she throws back in my face, I don’t know what’s best to do or how to help. I might have to go and visit her, but it could make things worse. I wish there was more help for people with mental health issues, especially those new to the system. When you’re too close to someone or share history it’s near impossible to help as too involved. I feel I’m making things worse at times and would be best if I stay out of it. It’s confusing my mental health too and I’m trying to not let the guilt take over, I feel like such a failure at times, not able to help people I care about, living this weird life. I just want her to be ok.
I need to think about typing up some of my journal entries, make them into short pieces perhaps. I did look at Arts Council Funding options.
Been thinking lots about travel, having a heroin habit makes your world small, I’d love to travel again, I miss the Balkans and would love to spend a few weeks there at some point. Need to get opiate free for that to happen!
Going through my Psychologies Magazines today, I started making notes on bits that were useful or inspiring. I’ll make a little inspiration file out of articles, from Spirit and Destiny magazine too. Need suggestions on books to read, websites and groups/training.
Tomorrow I’m gonna start my new routine. In the life of the spirit you are always at the beginning! With that in mind I’ll set off early for a walk with Charlie and soak up mother nature, across the burrows, pop to Ruby’s and head over golf course doing some walking meditation, lovely!
I’m quite depressed at the moment, feel stuck and desperate for my own space. Marcel can’t go to sea yet as the boat is being fixed, should be ready in next two weeks. I can never seem to get enough space, it’s only when I’m fully alone that I can do creative work.
Just off the phone after a funny chat with a client. He has a foot fetish and wants to role play as my slave, he wants me to humiliate him. I’m just not sure if I could take it seriously enough, I’ll start to giggle. Not sure if my University drama training prepared me for such roles!! The things you hear in this escorting world are funny at times, and I like that calls like interrupt my thinking and make me laugh. I said I’ll give it a go but warned him I may struggle to maintain my character, he laughed and said it was cool. I’ve never really liked my feet much, not sure how I prepare them for the occasion. I’m not sure how best to humiliate him, it’s a whole new world for me, even thinking about things I might say is making me smile. Oh gosh!!
“This is his first punishment, that by the verdict of his own heart no guilty man is acquitted” Juvenal, Satires (c.100)
Because I was only using heroin to maintain my habit and prevent withdrawal I presented as quite normal to others, I wasn’t off my face or goofing out, those days were long gone. I used so I’d not feel ill and so my mind wouldn’t start to crumble with intrusive thoughts. These journal entries were a reminder of how precarious existence was, and I remember feeling such guilt about not being able to help Summer. It was a key moment for me because I was looking at the old me and having to face reality that I wasn’t that person anymore, and couldn’t be that person for others no matter how hard I tried. It was at this point I started to let go of the idea of recovering and being who I was before, it slowly started to dawn on me that I’d become a different version of myself, and if I was to ever recover I needed to let go of expectations and just allow myself to be whoever. I started to realise I didn’t really know who I was at all.
“Each of us when he appears before his fellows is clothed in a certain dignity. But every man knows what unconfessable things pass within the secrecy of his own heart” Luigi Pirandello 1921
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