“Wisdom comes with winters” Oscar Wilde
Being dependant on heroin at this stage in my life did have it’s uses. Heroin cooled my emotional experience, it allowed me to disclose being sexually abused by my secondary school teacher to the police. It numbed me enough to deal with the process, which is not straightforward, and is often unpredictable. From disclosure of the abuse to the actual criminal trial took just under four years. If I’d not had heroin to cushion my reality I don’t think I could’ve seen the process through to completion, so many times I wanted to give up, the stress of waiting for results and outcomes to allow the case to progress to the next stage was unbearable at times, my mind was in constant limbo, always entertaining what if’s, and trying to manage the fragile hope that underpinned such a journey. The entries from seven years ago are as follows:
Thursday 1st August 2013
My whole life is spent waiting at the moment, I thought I would find out some important news yesterday but instead was told the CPS wanted a further month to consider all the evidence. I’m pleased it’s not a no and the possibility of him going to trial still exists, that’s what I want – justice! I want Mr Cole to have to answer those difficult questions and be held accountable for his actions.
Since I reported the abuse to the police things have got worse, I was naïve, I thought that justice would be done and the Council would want to know, but it seems they knew for some time about Mr Coles wicked ways and they turned a blind eye, just moved him on to a different school, how could they do that knowing he might hurt more people?
And now my solicitor tells me all my files have been destroyed, school, social services, everything, how convenient! Seems they made anything that could help my case just ‘disappear’, once again those in power can protect themselves. Makes me so angry, so rather than allow it to depress me further I’ve decided to write. I need to share this chain of events, all my life people have exploited me, had power over me and my life, I’ve been made to feel powerless and invisible. It’s like nobody ever cares. My real mother abused me, various family members hurt me, the authorities have ignored my needs and left me vulnerable. Social Services did nothing to help me and then school, well I was doing so well at school, it was my sanctuary and that sick bastard destroyed it, and the Council don’t want to admit they knew for some time, or at least had concerns, and still did nothing. They’re just as guilty, what a world we live in, authorities say safeguarding children and young people is priority, but it’s just lip service, and hypocritical. So many agendas and weird motives behind everything. I can’t trust the services, they don’t really care, it’s all power games and trying to cover their backs.
I thought confronting the abuse may help me to move on somehow but it’s caused so much strain and distress. When they said nothing could be done the first time I felt so low and disillusioned. I felt unimportant and of such little value that I just wanted to give up, I had thoughts that death would be easier. I gave up caring, I gave up trying and my depression rose up and I’ve been in it ever since. I’m trying to keep strong and just accept the process but it’s hard when met by obstacle after obstacle.
Thinking about Frances Andrade, the abuse victim who committed suicide during the trial of her choirmaster teacher, he was later found guilty but she was already dead, leaving a grief stricken family behind. She was torn apart on the witness stand and made to feel like a liar and attention seeker, the attack on her was too much to cope with and police had not given her much support. A life lost at the point where she should have been starting over, she should have witnessed justice being served, she should have felt the closure from his punishment, but no, a further failure, as though she was abused all over again, and it was too much for her, poor woman, this just shouldn’t have happened. She should’ve been supported, had counselling, been encouraged and told how brave she was not made to feel further shame and blame, it’s intense and it led to her death. I don’t see why this should have to happen and what’s going to change because of her death, surely we can learn from this.
Mr Cole, like her teacher, would have the support of a teachers union and we have to prove him guilty. I never knew reporting a crime could be so hard, since I got it out and reported I’ve been made to feel bad about it, had the council tell me it’s not that serious, so what, being sexually abused in school isn’t that bad, being raped daily isn’t that bad, being groomed and coerced into being his sexual servant wasn’t that bad, what would be bad then. People care, as long as it doesn’t impact them or their jobs, if it does, it seems they try to cover it up and dismiss somehow. It’s all bullshit.
I do accept that my life has been for a reason, all my pains and obstacles in childhood were there to serve me in some weird way. Losing my parents and being without family so early on in life is also a lesson. The cosmos knows best, everything I need is within reach, it’s within me. I need to let go of feelings of failure and inadequacy, I need to stop comparing my life with how it used to be in happier times, stop making excuses and think about what life has been trying to tell me.
Little mantra/chant – Let this fear leave me now, Let me find the strength somehow, Spirit Guides, my Mum and more, Help me find the strength and cure.
I will pay attention to the little things, to all the goodness in life, I have to remind myself of this, I need to reawaken the endless love inside, I need to open to the love in the world, and not be blinkered or bitter by my experiences, there is so much love and goodness in the world. I will be open to messages, signs and signals. I know my mum is with me, protecting me, nurturing my path, I will now turn to my runes for some clarity and guidance, as always I listen with an open heart, I am ready to receive. I choose Fehu for the past, Nauthiz for present, Sowelo for the future. My past is about possessions, the present about constraint and the future about wholeness. Beautiful reading, I love how the runes just know, I love the goose bumps I get what my choice is spot on, I feel the knowing and connection vibrate through me, mystical and exciting.
The journal entry goes on, I filled many pages on this day, obviously needed to get stuff out, and my journals allowed that, they never tire of my endless thoughts, feelings, observations. They never laugh at my take on life, they entertain my kooky ideas and quirky ways. I’m so grateful I discovered writing in a journal early on, documenting in such detail the events of my life, but more importantly my emotional reaction to such events has been a therapeutic experience for me, one akin to psychoanalysis, endless free association, making links, recognising patterns and attuning to what comforts and strengthens my resolve and spirit.
“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full” Marcel Proust 1913
Thank you for reading, if you’ve enjoyed the content and would like to read more of my work, my poetry collection is now available on amazon, writing poetry has allowed me to express the anger, rage and horror I feel at times, writing poetry allows me to voice things that I find difficult to express in other ways, with poetry I don’t censor myself, it’s a freedom, writing is my freedom. Each time I write a poem or a piece I reconcile something, even if just temporary, and each time is a step forward. Check it out:
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