6 Years Ago: People in Pain and Dangerous Hope.

“Either the human being must suffer and struggle as the price of a more searching vision, or his gaze must be shallow and without intellectual revelation.”

Thomas De Quincey 1845

Six years ago I had some hope, the historic abuse case was progressing and a date was set for the crown court trial at Exeter. I was maintaining my heroin habit which was about 1 – 1.5 grams daily, injecting into my groin as I struggled to find a vein elsewhere, my groin was easy access, and I still have the scars. Before checking my journals I remembered this time as one of hope and I felt that an end was in sight. I was keeping myself as busy as possible, and my partner Marcel was working on the fishing trawlers so I had time and space to myself which I always enjoyed. I would always make sure he had a hit when he returned from sea, and around this time he started to feel unwell and was struggling to get his groin when he injected. Reading my journals provides more detail and I can see I was bust making plans to write a book and use my experiences somehow. I was soaking up information that reflected my own situation, I was sensitive to pain and suffering in the world. The journal entry reads:

August 2014

I get car back today. Taxed this morning and will be on the road in about an hour!

Just worked with Mr B, he came to visit for an hour so we could indulge in some early morning playtime. He’s always very affectionate and chatty, can’t believe I’ve known him for four years now. He’s a nice man. Whilst I was ‘working’ my mind wandered to my writing, I’m constantly getting ideas so thought I’d note them here. Toying with fictional ideas based on my truths, but also a Junkie Journal collection, starts with me reading the book Altered State – the anti-smack brigade! I think of my summers of love with drugs and dancing, music and friendship. To explore how I went from loved up raver, who like my friends had responsible jobs, training in CBT and taking drugs recreationally like described in the book. I can share my journey from loved up raver to now, this state. I can show how I became a junkie, and how many are not the stereotype, but some are!!

I want my life back, after my mum died things went weird, I was trying to help myself but grief was so intense and confusing, especially with what it released. The abortion messed me up totally, that’s where it became too much and I couldn’t cope with myself. The pain was too much and I choose to self0medicate. I would’ve killed myself if I hadn’t found gear. It numbed me just enough to get things out, like the abuse case stuff. Now I want my life back and writing will help me with that, I always journey a little when I write, emotionally and spiritually.

The plan is to get justice and complete the trial. Get clean, deal with trauma stuff and try to recover and develop better coping skills, resolve my real father stuff and tackle my Daddy issues!

As I write this the world is full of pain. The world also wonders about heroin and drugs and why people would use it. Peaches Geldof was found dead from a heroin overdose in chilling echoes of her mothers death some fourteen years before. Also this year that chap was found dead in a London hotel with a needle hanging out his arm, and last year the tragic death of Glee’s Cory Monteith whose relapse led to accidental death, misadventure I think it was termed. Such odd words to describe the fate of these poor souls. In my world so many people have died due to drugs and alcohol. It was AW’s funeral a couple of weeks ago, feel for his family and lovely son. They played Green Day’s Time of Your Life ‘It’s something unpredictable but in the end that’s right, I hope you had the time of your life’ Very moving.

We can’t forget Amy Winehouse either, her body was weak from the constant abuse of alcohol and drugs, so sad. To me this shows the world is in pain, lots of feelings that people are trying to manage and trying to deal with in their own way. So many trying to dampen the intensity of life and feelings. Like Peaches, I lost my mum but not to drugs, her death devastated me, like Peaches my behaviour following her death and throughout my grief period was cold and reckless, detached. It was the start of a spiral that would lead to more heartbreak and pain, and eventually to a serious heroin habit and other crazy choices.

There’s such a problem with addiction in this country, and like mental health previously there is a strong stigma attached. Its very hard to admit you’re a junkie, stereotypes are powerful, people view you as criminal, anti-social, untrustworthy, scum, dirty, inhuman.

I’m scared about the trial and outcome, trying to be realistic and prepare for not guilty verdict just in case but that thought is overwhelming. All this time and struggle and if he gets away with it I’ll be devastated, not sure how I’ll move on if that happens. I have to make some plans just in case or it will destroy me. Ruby and I are going for a weeks holiday to Cornwall in September to help relax me before the trial, really looking forward to it. Need to get my holiday script in place. I have to stop myself thinking of the trial at times as it creates intense anxiety, I hate the thought that I’ll be in the same room as him, he might be behind a screen, what they call special measures but I’ll know he’s there. It’s not the type of special measures he deserves, I can think of some special measures for him!! I feel sorry for his family, I keep having thoughts about them, also innocent victims. How many lives has he hurt, I have to believe he’ll be found guilty, he has to be, it’s the truth. Enough now, need to go for a walk and move on.

“Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt use it – don’t cheat with it”

Ernest Hemingway 1962

It brings it all back when I read my journals, I don’t know how I managed to just keep going and stay optimistic as my mind was intense and self-esteem non-existent. My journals helped, writing notes like these, making plans, trying to process and express my feelings, it all helped, it allowed me to not feel so alone, and if nothing else, recording my journey, writing my experiences gave meaning to my days, it was a way of making it all worthwhile and useful, it was a way of saying to myself, I will survive this and one day I will use this, now I am. That makes me happy. I’m proud of myself, and want to make sure I keep using my experiences to help not only myself but others too. Thanks for stopping by and sharing some of my journey.

I’d like to keep my blog as open access, the people who may most need to read it will likely be unable to afford or manage regular subscriptions, and I don’t want to stop anyone who may benefit from accessing. So instead of a monthly subscription I’m inviting anyone who has enjoyed the content to contribute a one off payment. This will support creative work and the continuation of my blog, and will allow me to keep spreading a message that recovery is possible, healing is possible, change is possible. If you’d like to contribute all support would be most appreciated. Thank You!

My first poetry collection has now been published and is available on amazon, I prefer it as a paperback rather than read online, I’m still getting my head around online books, I’m rather old fashioned and love to actually hold a book and write notes in it. Living in Cornwall signal can be poor in certain areas so a real book is needed in those situations. I write poetry to express the secret, unsaid things, those feelings and experiences that are hard to just describe, that are more felt and internalised. I write poems to express rage, horror and other unsavoury or deviant impulses, thoughts and feelings, check it out, see what you think.

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