“One ought to hold on to one’s heart; for if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head too.”
It feels longer than four years ago, when I consider all that’s happened since, it feels like an eternity. I had been free of opiates for five months and had been seeing a chap during this time but realised it would never work, we were so different and after a holiday together, those differences were stark and straining. I was also trying my best to deny true feelings that were starting to bubble and surface. My ex Marcel was due to be released from prison, and I couldn’t admit it but I wanted to see him, I knew he’d completed his detox in prison and had been off methadone for a couple of months. We’d continued to write to each other whilst he was in prison, and he was so proud of my efforts in recovery. I knew he hoped that we would reunite when he got out of prison, I’d convinced myself during recovery that this couldn’t happen, that it would risk my recovery. I’d see that look in his eye and we would both start the dance of denial; denial of the risks, denial of the hardship, denial of the strength it took to get free of opiates. Despite knowing all this, I did wonder what he’d look like after spending so much time getting fit and healthy, I imagined how it would feel to give him a big hug and get swallowed up in his arms. Whenever I imagined his face I could see it vividly, his big brown eyes looking at me with the softness of affection, staring into the depths of me that only he had come to know. I loved him very much but I also knew we were not good for each other, and for the sake of my recovery and his it was best to stay away.
I’d been writing up ideas for a book and was due to travel to Sussex to meet a lady writer who was interested in my story and willing to help me draw up a book proposal. I was so excited about the prospect of finally realising my dream of being a writer, I felt like the stars had aligned and I was being rewarded for seeing recovery through. It felt like a gift from the gods that my life was slowly filling with new opportunities, and I felt such joy at my simple life, it was what I’d been searching for. My journal entries are as follows:
The power of touch, I read an article about this and it made me think how escorting with clients gave me touch experiences and closeness, even if fake or totally weird. I feel a lack of touch in my life, it’s a weird strangeness, an isolation, sometimes I just want a hug. Thankfully I have Charlie and I know my cuddles with him soothe me and give me that close contact to another living being that I crave.
Woke at 5am, watched some Deadwood and set off for an early walk at 6am. I walked down Rose Valley to Chypraze Farm, past the young cattle grazing in the field, the buzzard was resting and surveying on the telegraph pole as normal. It was such a clam morning and I strolled with purpose through the farm and down to Portheras. The sea was strong and the tide was high, waves crashing on the rocks creating a crescendo of sound. I was filled with joy as I walked and breathed in the sea air, letting all the awe inspiring sights settle and digest. Nature is blossoming, flowers, plants, purples, yellows, pinks and blues, all so delightful. The beach was deserted and we walked on along the coast path to the lighthouse, taking the longer route by the little boat cove where we encountered some cow obstacles.
A cow and two calves were outside the field on the coast path, I tried to walk around them but one fled and the other calf charged at me. I said a firm No in my best farmer voice and it stopped, then turned and fled with the others up towards the Lighthouse and road. I walked up the track to find them grazing, a car came down to the car park and they fled further towards the road. I thought about walking around them but would’ve been close to the cliff edge and it seemed a little risky after being charged at. So I edged along the road slowly making sure to not look them in the eye. The mother cow seemed to know I wasn’t a threat, I was trying to get them to move off the road and onto the grass verge when suddenly another cow came steaming down the road, it was huffing and puffing, frothing at the mouth, flicking its head up in the air. I picked up Charlie and jumped the hedge into the field just in time, it kept flicking spit over its back and when she saw the others started shaking her head at them.
I didn’t need to be a cow whisperer to realise the cow was worked up; rogue angry cow! It watched me in the field and flicked its head about some more, puffed air from its nostrils wildly like a little dragon. I wondered for a moment if she was going to jump in the field after me, I kept turning my back to her and she then turned to join the others and they all moved onto the grass verge and I could finally continue my walk. So random!! I felt a bit like Calamity Jane , her voice and sayings kept popping into my head ‘Well us got ourselves a wild one ere, that heifer is jumping like a pond frog’ and such like. Weird I know! Walked back along the road and saw a fox ahead being all sly and subtle on it’s morning mission. I love my walks here.
Preparing for two weeks away, I need to have the ‘chat’ with Will, I mentioned on the phone to him that he never takes anything seriously as he was trying to mock animal assisted therapy for drug users. I was trying to tell him about the local rehab centre down here and how they approach things as I might volunteer. I felt frustrated and a bit irritated which I know is a further sign of how incompatible we are, things are just not blossoming between us and I’ve know it for some time. So I’ve made a list of things I need to take, it’s so exciting going off to meet Katy. I feel the motion of things, so much potential and quiet hope. Marcel is due for release at some point over next two weeks, and will be living back at our flat, hopefully he’ll be released when I’m back home in Cornwall and not in North Devon as I’ll find it hard to say no to seeing him.
Before I set off it seems fitting to draw a single rune stone, to connect with myself and spirit, to seek guidance from the cosmos on how best to manage the energies at work in my life, my faithful runes, always tell me what I need to hear, not always what I want to hear, but that’s the point. I listen with an open heart, I am ready to receive.
Algiz (Protection) Reversed.
Mighty Elk, Yew Tree (past growing into future). Supreme rune for healing and protection.
Reversed – this rune was used to denote the date of death on tombstones, perhaps a death of a way of being, the end of one phase, what do I need to end – relationship, smoking so much weed, my attachment to Marcel...
The rune could be the shape of a birds footprint and is linked to the Valkyries who’d take the form of crows or ravens and haunt the battlefields looking for the dead who had died a warriors death for a seat at their Fathers table in Valhalla. My shape needs to shift perhaps..
Also can be seen as an outstretched hand, a sacrifice for all. A rune of self-interest, focus on self and own needs, others may be insensitive and demanding but focus on self and own path. What sacrifices do I need to make?
I may be weak willed and agree to things for an easy life, retreat and seclusion needed, a period of recuperation, allow self to gain strength. People may fail to recognise you are overburdened and weary, demands of others will not cease, and you may be misled by others.
Control of the emotions is key especially in times of transition and accelerated self-change. Do not collapse self into emotions, the highs and lows. If you see fit to become involved with others who are using you, remain mindful of the fact and take responsibility, then you can only benefit.
Algiz is a mirror for the spiritual warrior whose battle is with ‘Self’. Warriors protection is like the curved horns of the Elk, keep open space around you.
If you are in pain do not deny it, you will progress! Beware of who you become involved with, reversed this rune can be indicative of vulnerability, of sacrifice for no personal gain, you will be made a scapegoat for others failures.
This rune shows an offer to be avoided or a person. Delay until motives are clear. Are you deceiving yourself in some way, in love, delay until you can assess a partners motives.
Temperance and courtesy are the sinews of this runes protective powers. You can always learn from what takes place.
Rune interpretations taken from various books including Ralph Blum’s ‘The Book of Runes’, Jonathan Dee’s ‘Runes: Readings, Casting and Divination’ and Lisa Peschel’s ‘The Runes: Their Use in Divination and Magic’
As I write up these notes I’m overwhelmed by this rune reading, I’ve not returned to it before now and knowing what I do about what happens in the next month I’m quite taken aback, this reading was spot on, sadly so. I wish I could turn back time, I wish I’d seen the true message of this reading, I wish I’d done things slightly differently, but that’s fate I guess, and I can’t be sure of the outcome if I had acted differently and made different choices, the ripple effects of our choices stretch far and wide, and I have to accept that things happened as they were destined to, it still sucks though, and I’m still coming to terms with what happened in August 2016.
“All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is all my own”
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