11 Years Ago: Breaking Down and Letting Go

Eleven years ago I was in the process of breaking down, my mums death in February 2009 had released previously repressed trauma and I was struggling to come to terms with who I was, what had happened to me and how I’d managed to deny it for so many years. Everything in my life that I’d taken for granted was now in question, my understanding of myself, my relationships, what my purpose was, nothing made sense, especially myself. I was holding on to what I’d been and to the people who’d given my life stability and consistency for so many years. I thought I only had value as part of the group but no longer felt like that same person and wondered what my role was now.

As all the undercurrents of trauma were starting to surface I was trying to escape it by obsessing over my ex, by creating a new persona in my sex worker disguise and by smoking lots of weed and getting high on mdma, acid and cocaine as much as possible. I wanted to be the person I was before my mum died, life was easier then, I had friends who loved me and who I could be emotionally open with, I was passionate about working with young people and developing a project to support those who were not engaged with education, employment and training (NEET’s). My mums death was an end point and the start of me becoming real, I just didn’t expect real to be so painful and confusing and wanted to avoid it. Whatever we disown eventually finds a way to own us.

Wednesday 26th August 2009

Got back from Plymouth today after staying for a couple of nights, it was so lovely to get away, good to see Tobias and Allan, it was very relaxing. Tobias was tired from the weekend and Allan was just back from his sailing challenge so he was tired too but had to go and DJ in Plymouth until 4am. When he got back I woke for a couple of hours and spent some time with him chatting which was lovely, he’s very easy going.

Tobias was his normal haphazard self, always a bit distant like he struggles to relax with me. I’m really up for moving to Plymouth now, Tobias and Al sold the lifestyle to me, Charlie seems to like it, the accomdation is cheap and lots of opportunity for dancing and music, I miss being around music and mixing. My time away allowed many things to shift, I realised I need to stop isolating myself, I did tarot cards for me and Al, mine were pretty heavy, advised me to seek help, that isolation was something I was maintaining and it was time for forgiveness and acceptance.

Soooo I contacted Joel, text to say I hoped we could work things out and move forward, he text back to say he was looking forward to seeing me at Aeon which will be cool. It felt good, a relief, he means so much to me and it felt right to try and build bridges again. I text my sister too, not sure if it’s still her number but I wanted her to know I think of her always and I care so much, see what happens I guess. I need to speak to Polly and discuss how I feel and what’s been going on, I feel we’re drifting apart since she’s been with her new chap, I want to chat to her and let her know I’m struggling, that my depression is taking over and I’m feeling very lonely, hopefully she’ll be home alone tonight.

I’m looking forward to my escort booking with Paul, we’re going to London, staying in a hotel in Mayfair and off to a Jazz bar, sounds great to me. He called yesterday to say I should wear what I want, that he wants me to have a nice time and just enjoy each others company. He’s a very nice man and told me he’d booked two rooms so I had my own space and no expectations of intimacy which is rather refreshing, feels like quite a treat.

Later that day…

Back again…feeling so emotional, weak inside as though I could burst into tears very easily. I can’t place the feelings though, maybe its the feeling of drifting away from people, a sense of longing for the old, I just keep telling myself it will ease, I will adjust, things will fall into place. I need to look forward not back. I’m also sure that things with Tobias have stirred stuff up, his text about our 30 year old pact, that if we’d not settled with others by the time we’re 30 we will get back together and settle down, he said that we complement each other like no other and it pulled on my heart strings. I hope he does think of me in a special way, spending time with him over the last few days has been nice, easy, comforting, just hanging out and chatting shit.

I keep seeing little signs or synchronicities about people belonging, sticking through the hard not just the easy, the real meaning of togetherness and it makes me smile, I’d love to think our fairy tale was alive again. So yes, I think all these ideas and thoughts have weakened me, made me vulnerable to my feelings. I’ve kept so much tucked up inside, snug and hidden from view and now they’re starting to find a way out, seeping through the cracks in my barriers and defences, making the most of every opportunity to express and be seen, tugging at my heart, banging on my stomach, taking some of my breath away. I think these feelings are bored of being ignored and denied, they want some attention, I’d like some myself.

I suppose making decisions to let things go and move on is creating some anxiety and fear. Texting Joel and him being so positive in response, texting my sister and taking little emotional risks, admitting the faults and failures I’ve accumulated and trying to see the bigger picture, it’s exhausting.

I’m sure I have manic depression, I can be so hectic and high at times, as it’s put to good use it’s not seen as an issue but it is, I do crazy stuff, I exhaust myself from the constant striving and doing, it goes on for a certain time and then down I go into a pit of gloom and apathy, all I want to do is hide from the world and be alone, I’ve been like this since I was a teenager.

It makes me cringe reading old journal notes at times, I thought I was so grown up but it’s pretty evident I’m just a big kid. My Daddy issues have always left me in search for strong male role models and I’ve met many, it also led to me idolising people, getting carried away by attention and affection, I was such a sucker for compliments and praise, if someone was nice to me I’d think they were awesome, I was desperate for validation, acknowledgement and a sense of belonging. I’m pleased to say Tobias and Joel are still in my life today, they’re two men who mean the world to me, who helped me to grow up in lots of ways, they taught me about love, emotional honesty, the positives of attachment. Both treated me with respect and care and we created so many memories together that I cherish deeply.

Friends can be as meaningful and unconditional as family, in my case, more so, and these friends exposed me to happy family dynamics, they showed me what a loving, supportive family is like, they welcomed me into their lives and their families and those experiences will never leave me, they gave me hope and still do.

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