I’m hesitant about writing this journal entry, as with other entries I worry that those people involved may take offence or I may cause them confusion or doubt. My journals contain my strong emotions, emotions that are often a reaction to perceived injustice or rejection, and due to that the thoughts and feelings detailed are likely a massive overreaction. That’s what trauma does, it heightens things, it intensifies and exaggerates, but in the midst of it, it feels true and real to me. I now recognise how unbalanced my thoughts and feelings were, the strong negative reactions are not based in reality but in my reality, which is viewed through the lens of trauma; it distorts and confuses. I felt bad reading this journal entry as I was having unfair thoughts about the person who has been my most stable friend, the consistency and stability she has brought to my life in the 22 years I’ve know her has been one of the rare positive relationships, she is more family than my family. Mulling this over I reminded myself of my commitment to this process, that it will only be beneficial and illuminating if based in truth, and that I would not censor or edit no matter how embarrassing or daunting. So here it is..my friend knows me, she knows what a little madam I could be, and how temperamental I was, she also knows now that I was suffering at this time and had withdrawn inside myself, she wanted to be there for me and I know I didn’t make it easy.
Wednesday 1st September 2010
Well- Reality Check! Things have come to a head here, I have to move out asap, Ruby wants her own space – not sure where to go or what to do, I have no money and I’m getting signed off sick, feeling really quite vulnerable and I’m worried about myself, I can feel the stress taking hold and not sure what to do or where to turn. What’s really horrible is that it’s making me think about escorting again – gives me some control back with life, with money, but I don’t want to do it, just feel so stuck and helpless – me and Charlie need a home – a safe place just for us- need to settle – when I settle I make progress and things start to take shape like they were here until I started doing things and living a busier life.
I need to move out by Sunday really – don’t know where to go, not sure if there’s anyone I could stay with whilst waiting to find a place. I’ve called the lady at housing but no answer, talking to CMHT too but not heard anything back from them as yet, really hope they can help me in some way, I’ve never felt like this before, I’m concerned about my ability to cope, I always cope but now, I just don’t know.
I’ve tried to reach out to others for help and support, trying to not be stubborn and silly, I keep chatting to the cosmos, inviting my spirit guides to aid me through this difficult time, I’m asking for assistance, I’m asking for a miracle really! I’m trying so hard to deal with my demons, dealing with my overattachment to Tobias and trying to let go of that life, I’m admitting that working in mental health is not right for me, how can I help others, and I can’t do it as a distraction from my own shit, people deserve better than that. I need to find a new direction, I’m trying so hard to keep control of my emotions and be disciplined. I dealt with my weed dependency issue but as I deal with one thing other things come up, normally when I least expect it. So hard to balance all the different dynamics and stuff going on, overcome one thing, another in it’s place, over and over.
I feel like my life and self has been stripped back to basics and its scaring me, all this change and instability is frightening and the little girl inside is struggling to smile but she desperately wants to. I want to preserve what I have gained in my mindset, trying hard to do the right thing but it’s hard when you have so little power – no money basically and without that I can’t seem to make anything happen, it’s confusing trying to work out what to do, I’m lost, so journaling to help me focus, I need to get all this out to clear my thinking and allow solutions in, it’s all so busy and cluttered.
CRISIS PLAN IDEAS
-Make contact with housing and CMHT – Ask M to ask about in village about rentals. – Get a caravan and put at Knapp House, ask about static caravans and if they rent them out to locals. – Speak to uncle about Grandad lending me some cash, I hate asking him for anything. – Apply for crisis loan/community care grant. – See Doctor. – Get a camper van to live in for a bit until I find a place. – Try to not lose it totally!
I can’t give in to the fear, I must focus all my energies on making the move and changes. I’m worried I’ll be forced to live in town, the thought of that is overwhelming, I can’t cope with all the chaos and drama, constant people and noise, no space, I’d rather live in a van.
Ok, so my uncle has been really lovely, he said I could use his little touring caravan and will bring up for me Friday, will call Knapp House and book in for an electric hook up space, such a relief, and actually I’m quite excited. I don’t know what’s going on with Ruby, maybe she’s stressed out as she seems a bit bitter and angry, keeps saying things that put me down or criticise somehow, not sure why she feels she has to be so cutting and harsh though, it’s making me feel terrible, she seem angry and passive aggressive, I feel like she’s trying to provoke me at times, I’m trying to not react and then I just seem moody, we both probably need our space at this time. I’m grateful the caravan plan has come together.
I need to phone the lady at CMHT and get some help urgently, explain my situation, the sudden move, the stress I’m feeling, how I’m worried about coping. I just want to feel settled. It’ll work out in the end, the caravan has sorted the crisis for now, I have faith things will take shape. Thank you cosmos, thank you spirit guides, thank you for taking me into your care, I feel supported by you, I know it’ll be ok, I am ok, just change to navigate but I’ve done it before, this will be ok too in the end. Undertake to do it joyfully!!!
I never did get any help from housing except for registering for social housing but I wasn’t a priority case. CMHT didn’t help much, they said my issues were all related to smoking cannabis and I should get help to give that up before they’d consider other issues. I was smoking cannabis to self-medicate my issues, at that time stopping it wouldn’t have helped, I would’ve killed myself as my inner state was fragile and I was quickly losing motivation to make changes, my head was becoming increasingly muddled and tormenting, I had to decrease the intensity somehow, I used cannabis and when that stopped working a month or so later I pursued heroin. I tried to get help with my feelings over the abortion, mums death and the traumas released but none was available and self-medicating through drugs was the best solution I could come up with, especially as death was seeming more attractive.
I know my friend Ruby didn’t know how to best support me at the time, I know she was worried but she also had self-centred me living in her house whilst breaking down and unravelling. She was fully entitled to ask for her space back, as someone who loves solitude I now know how important it is, and I’m pleased she asked for it, it couldn’t of been easy, especially with my neediness at the time and how helpless I felt, I think she also noticed I was on a risky path and the self-destruct button had been firmly pushed. I was making hasty decisions and reckless choices, I’m not sure she thought my new associations were positive, and really she was right. However, things happened as they did and I know now I had to take that journey and do it alone. All Ruby was doing was modelling the sort of behaviour I need to adopt for self-care, healthy boundaries and taking responsibility for your own life and environment, it wouldn’t have helped me if she looked after me too much, it would’ve damaged her and me in the end so I remain thankful for her actions and always thankful for her ongoing friendship.
Thank you for reading this, my memoir is now completed and I’m currently querying agents and publishers. For updates on where I’m at now in my life please subscribe to my email list below. I can’t promise regular emails as that’s not me, I write when I write and if I feel a pressure to write it becomes less authentic. If you’ve enjoyed the post and would like to support my creative work and the continuation of this blog a contribution would be most welcome. I want to keep the blog open access and don’t like the idea of subscription only content as those who may most need to read it may not be in a position to subscribe and it’ll be just another barrier to something that could help.