I’m still in this strange emotional void and my depression feels heavy and burdensome. When I feel like this I’m tempted to stay inside and avoid all contact with others, as an introvert I have to be mindful about not confusing my introvert needs with that of my depression and trauma responses. The introvert in me benefits from solitude and retreat from the world and others, my depression likes to piggy back on these needs but I know it’s present when I feel lethargic, unfocused and lacking in motivation to do the stuff that I normally enjoy like walking and writing. I know the black dog is nipping at my heels when I start disconnecting from all the things that usually serve me and then I can only rely on my discipline to do it regardless, thankfully that stubbornness is starting to have effect, I have to get angry with my depression and trauma at times like this to generate the necessary action to just plod on until a shift occurs, today I feel a shift and I’m so grateful, it’s a small but very welcome relief.
Over the last week or so I’ve been working waking nights and long day shifts and have made myself go despite not wanting to, when at work I’m pleased I made the effort as it’s good for me to talk to others in a casual way, it’s good for me to provide support and care for others as I benefit from being of service, it feels like I’m doing something of worth when I feel so empty and useless. It’s good for me to get out of the house and out of my head a bit. I’ve been making myself read a favourite book and take long baths despite being resistant. Taking care of the rescue hens and providing the routine needed has grounded me and kept me present when I’ve wanted to run away. I’ve been making an effort to write in my journal even if scattered, and thanks to Charlie my dog I’ve been made to walk to each day. Even when I feel detached walks always help, I just know this and never question it. I may not feel instantly uplifted or overjoyed but I know the process of walking and being in motion helps my emotional and psychological processes, going on a physical journey always promotes inner journey’s too, that’s my experience at least. So I may leave the house like a grumpy teenager but I always return with a sense of peace; the simple things help me most.
I was rewarded this morning when I turned to my journals to see what I was up to six years ago, some delightful synchronicities and memories that were positive to reflect on. Last night in the bath I finished reading Isabel Allende’s Daughter of Fortune, and I was looking at holiday cottages in The Lizard area of Cornwall for a short break, considered taking Charlie and having a little writers retreat for a few days. I knew that six years ago I was preparing for the crown court trial of my secondary school teacher who sexually abused me and others. The trial date was set for November and my anxiety over the outcome was intensifying with each day. My best friend Ruby had kindly suggested we take a holiday to Cornwall for a week to help me relax so we could indulge in long walks and cosy nights with our dogs and just gather some energy in preparation for coming weeks. My partner Marcel was in hospital seriously ill from an abscess and blood infection in his groin injecting area, I was still sex working and using heroin daily, the holiday was a welcome break from all this. I arranged a holiday prescription of my methadone and was able to just switch off for the week, it showed me how I could feel if life was different and it made me want that feeling and want that simple life.
Sunday 21st September 2014
Fox Cottage – Porthoustock, The Lizard, Cornwall.
Close to where my mum grew up, Stithians, Penryn, Mabe and Falmouth.
White feathers, butterflies and Robins everywhere I go and I mean everywhere!! I love the cottage, it has views out to sea and it’s so peaceful and lovely with walks right on the doorstep, there’s a wood burner in the lounge which is very cosy and a nice terraced garden, the dogs love it too. We did a two and half hour walk this morning along the coast path and past a disused quarry, it’s lovely here and feels quite magical, a real mixture of forest and coast, it’s just bliss. I feel close to mum too, it’s nice xxxx
We’ve explored Porthallow, Nare Point and Helford River, we walked Dean Point near Porthoustock, visited St Keverne, Cadgwith, Coverack, Mullion, Kynance Cliffs, walked right round The Lizard and also explored the Helford Passage and Porth Navas. I bought a map and arranged for us to do lovely circular walks exploring each place, I love exploring so much!!
Friday 26th September 2014
Our last full day in this wonderful land, I’ve loved being so close to where my mum grew up, it’s triggered memories of things she told me like her cousin drowning at Praa Sands in the quicksand, and most of all, I discovered Polkanuggo Farm on the map, this was the farm I stayed at as a child when we visited her sister and family, memories I’d forgotten. Psychic medium shows have been on tv and it made me think about how my mum is always with me, this week I asked for signs and they have come in abundance, the white feathers, Robins, butterflies and all sorts of other coincidences in my reading and places discovered, all sorts really.
My new book Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende is so very fitting, the themes ands concepts all relate so well to my situation. I love it, I love the way she writes and tells the story of people, real people. The story explores how a chinese healer who kept refining his gifts but lost his way when he lost someone he loved, grief can swallow you up but in the story his lost love came to him in spirit and he was able to find strength to move on, thats what I need to do. My lovely mum is always with me, and my twins too, I must have faith, nature teaches us this and so much more.
Saturday 26th September 2014
Last day at Fox Cottage in Porthoustock, even though we were here for a whole week it still flew past. I love this peaceful existence, the time and space to think clearly without any pressurre. Reality is now starting to creep in with thoughts of the trial and of all the struggle to be faced in the coming six weeks, it will be hard to find balance in it all. One thing I’ve realised is that the trial dates of 10th-18th November fall on the full moon which is a time to expect results, the angels of this time- Atliel, Azeruel and Adriel will aid me by giving a power surge to help intiate dramatic change and help with healing. When the trial closes it will be a waning moon and the angels associeted with this phase assist to help troubles ease and fears too. The past can be left behind and the angels will offer protection, a time when disputes can be laid to rest!!! The agels will help resolve conflict and support healing. This is all very auspicious, so the moon is just in the right place for justice and closure, just have to have faith, I can do this, no need to be scared.
Hopefully this means that ‘he’ – Mr Cole will have to learn from his mistakes, I really hope so. The day is just breaking, it’s just gone 6.30am and the sky is filled with pretty greys and blues and streaks of vibrant pink. I would love to live somewhere like this for a while to gather strength and take stock of life. Perhaps when the trial is done I can move to Cornwall for a bit to recover and find some direction in life again, I could research family history stuff here too which would be interesting. I must start looking into it all seriously now and try to find the perfect place for me to retreat, write and reflect. I need to get away from North Devon, too many memories and time away is needed to move on.
Remember to be of service to others when lost.
I can’t help but smile as I read my notes about signs in nature, the moon phases, angels and other mystical based beliefs, I turn to such things when lost as they connect me to something greater than my solo existence. These beliefs have served me well and even though I can mock myself for these hippy dippy ways I know how much they mean to me and I know that these beliefs have sustained me in my darkest hours and still do now.
I remember the anxiety of this period well, it wasn’t just the upcoming trial but the stress of my life in general, stress created from my choices and actions, and my inability to make a change. I knew it was pointless to attempt change until after the trial as it would be too much to cope with to suddenly remove or decrease my opiate levels. It was necessary to dull my emotional reactions at this time and my addiction provided a focus. It also brought with it other burdens like needing to earn money to fund my habit and the stress of being in a co-dependant relationship with someone who relied on me heavily.
My week away showed me that I could manage without using heroin if I wasn’t stressed or in a familiar situation. I could function on methadone and this allowed me to enjoy other things as I wasn’t obsessing about my next heroin fix and could fill my days with positive stuff. I started to see the point of opiate substitutes, they give you a chance to build a life without the obsession, pursuit and anticipation of using. Methadone kept me physically well and also kept my emotions in check which allowed me to enjoy regular stuff. It was a turning point for me as I knew that if I got away and created a similar peaceful environment and routine for myself that I could give up heroin and in time I could come off the methadone too, once I’d created a routine and life that would be supportive to the inevitable emotional upheaval I’d feel once opiates were removed from my system.
As I was typing up these notes I realised six years ago was the trial and thankfully he was found guilty and got a six year sentence, he only served three years in prison for abusing me and others, the justice system is messed up, as I’ve written before it’s ridiculous that a sexual offender who abused his position of trust and coerced young girls into sex can only do three years of prison time and yet others can get long sentences for what I believe are much less serious crimes. When I realised in 2017 he was getting out of prison I had a bit of a meltdown, and I think much of my resistance to social media came from a concern that he could be reading my stuff, he could be reading this now. What I realised was that the more things I avoid doing because of him the more he wins and I’m not having that.
I’m grateful I got justice, I’m grateful I was believed and he was punished. I think he should have been made to admit and confront what he did before he could be released but I don’t think this did happen, he just denied it the whole way. I’m grateful I’ve recovered from addiction and I’m on the road to recovery from trauma, it’ll be a lifelong journey, there’s no six year sentence for me, like many other survivors of abuse and trauma our sentence if for life, I’m grateful to be alive and grateful for the opportunity to heal and grow.
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