Sunday 9th October 2011
Early morning at Kipling Terrace, I am tired but didn’t want to miss out on the peace and calm of the morning, I enjoy my thinking at this time. I enjoy the hope that exists within the potential of a new day. It’s quiet, spacey and calm and just feels magic really. The morning feels like it’s just for me, nobody else matters, just for a short while.
I have not done a rune stone reading for some time. I kept telling myself it was because I didn’t need to, that I could engage with that self reflection without the runes to aid me but truth be told I was rather reluctant as I would be faced with evidence of my recklessness and inability to do the right thing. I know my feelings would be brought into the light. I would have my behaviour confronted and I have certainly shied away from that. In the same way that I have avoided doing the right thing. I realise this is not healthy and that change is long overdue before I ruin any chance I have of realising dreams and having a healthy life.
So what’s been going on then, really…
Things changed when I made the statement to the police about Mr Cole and the sexual abuse at school. Making that statement triggered something inside, and the result was me spiralling out of control, rapidly down a path of self destruction and escape.
When I made the statement I had to relive events in detail and this made me feel it all over again but this time with the full knowledge of how wrong and sick it was, it was almost easier when I was deluded about it and now the truth is felt it’s nauseating. I can’t believe I allowed that to happen and that nobody noticed or tried to intervene. I can’t believe how distorted it left my mind and thoughts. I can’t believe how long it took for me to realise it was wrong. I’ve seen so much of life the wrong way.
It made me consider how I have allowed myself to be exploited then and at other times in my life, this truth is felt acutely, there’s too much to even detail but I know. Making that statement made me rework my whole life through a new perspective, so many pennies dropping, a new way of seeing myself and I hate how weak it is, how vulnerable and immature. The distorted beliefs are being eroded and the true horror revealed, and with it an overwhelming sadness, it’s been hard to cope with, I don’t think I am.
My behaviour in the last few months since that statement has been chaotic and damaging, it has to stop before I go too far, I need to get a grip of this, I need to take control somehow and rebuild. I see it all so clearly and at times I have to deny it or it swallows me up. I know what I should do but just can’t, it’s so frustrating and sometimes easier to just ignore or it exhausts me, quite literally.
I keep putting myself through really horrible stuff and I don’t know why, it’s crazy but I have some morbid fascination with how cruel people can be if given the chance.
I saw ‘him’ and challenged him about the abortion and told him how I felt about it and how it’s left me feeling. I told him of the sorrow and sadness and he was nonchalant about it all, played lip service, pretended to be concerned and caring but just wanted to use my escort services. I was shocked that he wanted to, I assumed we were meeting to talk as that was how it was framed but he became suggestive from the start.
In the end I went along with it in part because I wanted myself to see the truth, that to him I’m just a service, an object and my hysteria is only be tolerated in a shallow way, a means to the end he’s pursuing. I was fighting back the anger and tears amidst an inner dialogue of total disbelief, “so this is humanity’ I thought . I know I hurt him several times during the encounter and could feel this rage building inside, he disgusted me and I channelled this.
As I was travelling home I thought about women who kill and how some just lose it with people who’ve hurt them, humiliated them, forced them to be submissive and subservient in degrading ways, made them feel powerless and unworthy. I that moment I understood why. If a few factors in my life had been slightly different I could easily have ended up a serial killer like Aileen Wournos or similar, something would just push me over the edge and all the rage against all the various people who should’ve protected me and instead hurt me would erupt and explode, instead I turn it on myself, serial killer of my Self!
I would often have that same debate about doing my runes over the next few years and still do occasionally if I disconnect from life and into my depression, I’m not sure where the resistance to doing things that help me comes from and I’m pleased to say the resistance has decreased in many areas but it surfaces rapidly in some areas and reading back over my journals helps me to be a little softer on myself, to see the patterns and to see myself with compassion and humour, often that’s all it takes to motivate some action but I also have to remember to do that!
Feelings as though I could’ve become a serial killer or murderer is a thought that’s returned to me often, not because it’s a lifetime goal, although in darker moments I think it may have been an easier option! More seriously it’s because I often write down ideas for fictional stories and allow myself to drift into an alternative reality where my path was different and instead of trying to understand I took a path of revenge and utilised my various life experiences as my serial killer modus operandi, the serial killer sex worker using drugs and sex as my weapons. I like playing with these ideas, it allows a certain expression that I can’t find elsewhere except for in poetry perhaps.
I remember how I felt when I wrote this journal entry and it’s quite comforting to read whilst going through a tricky time emotionally. It helps me to see that I’ve survived much worse, that I’ve grown since then and have found other ways to live my life that does not hide from reality, at least not for too long.
The way that I cope has evolved and the level of self damage has decreased enormously, although there’s still room for improvement. My journals remind me of how I’ve always tried, even if unable to action my thoughts are at work trying to create the foundations for change, attempting to gain clarity and direction, attempting to connect with authenticity and truth.
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