I’m continuing to review journals as I work on completing my memoir, the suggestions and advice of my editor has been incredibly valuable and I’m slowly working through it and considering how to provide more depth in some parts and what may not be necessary to include as part of this story. It’s a process that can’t be rushed, and as I continue to rework and write I’m fully aware that it’s an organic process, the memoir is evolving with a life of it’s own. I got caught up in trying to tell the story I thought made sense, when in fact it is by writing and reviewing that the true story is emerging and with it conclusions and insights that are new and sometimes surprising.
I’m continuing to read Johann Hari’s book Lost Connections and despite not wanting to put it down I have forced myself to read in intervals so the information can be digested and absorbed. Something that has stuck in my mind is research he encountered about the role of spirituality in recovery, suggesting that those who experienced spiritual awakenings through drug use had a better chance of recovery.
This was in reference to studies completed in the States where participants were given Psilocybin, the active hallucinogenic component from magic mushrooms/LSD. The majority of participants, who were all non drug users, stated the experience had benefited them in numerous ways and was one of the five most important things to ever happen to them.
The researchers were exploring this in relation to the impact that meditative practice can have on an individuals wellbeing and it was concluded that both deep meditation and psychedelic experiences teach us is the ability to see how much of that self- that ego – is constructed.
Everyone that Johann Hari interviewed who worked in administering psychedelics clinically emphasised that these substances most often leave people with a profound sense of connection – to other people, to nature and to a deeper sense of meaning. Johann Hari states this is the opposite of the junk values we’re soaked in.
These words and the curious research and studies conducted spoke to me, as someone who has taken a lot of LSD in the past, and has experimented with micro-dosing to assist depression I knew the validity of these findings from the inside out. I was fortunate in my recreational drug use phase to share psychedelic experiences with a group of very beautiful people and the experiences we encountered were powerful, illuminating and definitely created a sense of connection to things deep and meaningful.
I have used these experiences in my recovery, the LSD state of mind is something that stays with me and I can summon. I feel when I’m in awe of nature or swept away in a moment of tenderness that is beyond Me. I can only report positive effects from micro-dosing and I wish it was a legitimate and legal treatment for depression and associated trauma as I had more positive effects from this than I have any form of antidepressant or clinical medications. Why do we fail to learn from the evidence and facts, why can’t we open our minds to consider the value rather than just dismiss it due to moral reasons and the residue of old beliefs and myths.
I’ve always shared to others that once you’ve had a drug experience and known it fully it’s always there to access. At times I summon my ‘Opiate brain’, sometimes my ‘MDMA mind’, and most often the ‘LSD Self’ depending on what I need and what perspective would most assist me. In this way the drugs I’ve taken in my life can sustain me forever, now that is good value for money!!! Giggles..
So I turned to the journal entry of this time seven years ago and was reminded of one of the many down sides of sex working, most clients are nice people, genuine and respectful but there will always be some, as in life, that are not so nice. Here the entry…
Just sat watching Charmed at the end of a very busy day. After last nights work incident I have felt quite drained, I’m still letting the anger and panic pass through.
A client – calling himself Jack booked me to visit him at Woodford Bridge Country Club. I travelled out there at the agreed time and I sensed something was odd but couldn’t quite work out what and why I felt uneasy about it. It’s always weird meeting new clients so I just put it down to that.
As soon as I arrived he jumped on me and was quite forceful and aggressive in his approach. He was quite young, early twenties I guess and made it seem that he was just eager to have a nice time. I asked him to pay up and he showed me the cash in an envelope on the side and continued to kiss and touch me. I hate it when clients try to take photos and he kept getting his phone out, I repeatedly told him not to do that, and was trying to be firm but he kept saying he wanted a record of our time. I couldn’t speak to him, he was impossible to have a discussion with and kept just saying crude things and trying to make himself out to be some sort of sex god, he thought he was fit, and he did have a nice physique and was good looking but his attitude ruined it.
At one point he said he was going outside to smoke and left me naked in the apartment. Some time passed and he hadn’t returned. I looked outside and he wasn’t there. At that point I heard someone else moving around in the building. I was immediately scared, what if there was a group of young lads here, I thought something really terrible was about to happen and time slowed down.
I sneaked quietly upstairs and got my stuff, I went to get the money from the side and that was gone. I went out onto the balcony in case I needed to scream for help. I was trying to get dressed whilst listening to the sounds inside the building, there were footsteps and noises. At this point a text arrived, it was Jack saying he had to go and help a friend and would settle up later in the week. Cheeky fuckwit! I was so furious and humiliated, he can’t just use my services and disappear, I knew he was in Devon on work and would be travelling home soon. My anger was interrupted by a man of about forty five years appearing on the stairs.
He looked shocked to see a half naked woman in front of him, I was demanding to know who he was. We started to talk and it became clear that he was no threat, he was pretty confused about what was happening. I explained the situation and why I was there, I asked about Jack and he said that was the young cocky lad he was sent here to work with, a bit full of himself! I told the man that Jack had used my services and then run off with the money which I knew he had as I’d seen it. I told him that I would call the police or inform hotel management as I wasn’t leaving without payment and for him to call Jack and get him to just return the cash, he couldn’t have gone far.
I told this man how Jack had agreed the rate before I travelled out and he told me had cash, all evidenced in my text exchanges. It was all lies, all just part of his master plan but not very well thought out as I had a paper with his real name, work contact details and other information. I felt horrible, I felt used and stupid. It was a sick thing to do, especially as it caused me so much panic at first. When we were at it, he was so forceful and kept saying you’ll be glad you came here to see me, you won’t get clients like me often! Well I hope not!! What a total cock!
His work mate was furious too and begged me not to call the police or inform the hotel. He said he’d get into trouble and may lose his job as he relies on Jack for transport. He was also concerned what his wife would think and it may cause her unfounded worry. All attempts to contact Jack were futile, he just stopped answering calls but did send some nasty texts calling me a cheap whore, saying what did I expect being a dirty slut and some other personal insults. I didn’t want to cause this man any trouble, he’d been very nice to me and I could see he was clearly distressed about it all.
The chap offered to sort my fee and get it off Jack himself so I drove him to the cash point in Holsworthy and dropped him back before travelling home. I’ve never had that happen before, and I’m glad it wasn’t worse, I really did feel scared at one point, really scared, it’s so weird how time slows down, I know it’s my brain trying to cope, trying to gather as much info as possible in light of the potential threat. I could feel adrenalin flooding me and I was ready to fight if needed, thankfully it wasn’t. Thankfully.
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