6 Years Ago: Guilty

I’m shocked that it was only six years ago, so much has happened since then, it feels impossible it could all be crammed in to six years. That’s true for my life in many way’s. I’ve managed to fill life with lots of experiences and adventures. I’m grateful for them all, especially the people I’ve met along the way.

This is also true for my memoir. I’ve been working on it for the last eight months and have recently realised I’m trying to fit too much in. I now see that my memoir is potentially three different books, and separating them will allow the depth needed to paint an accurate picture for the reader.

Writing my memoir is very different to writing here. Both efforts serve a different purpose and I did question temporarily if writing my blog was giving away all my secrets, ones that should be saved for the memoir. That said, I need to write and I enjoy the blog experience, I want to share with people who may not read books. I have a message and will share that however I can.

Six years ago my life was about to change. Here I am six years later and my life is about to change once again. Here are my journal entries from that time.

Monday 17th November 2014

Waning Crescent Moon Day’s 26-28, the old name for this phase was the Grandmother Moon, as she gives us, her grandchildren on earth the last of her strength. Angelic protection is at it’s strongest because it’s so close to the point where the old moon tips into the new moon.

I pray to the moon and angels of this time for strength, whatever the outcome may I find a way to overcome my addiction, may I find a way to let go of those I love, my mum, my own Grandmother Moon. I feel Mum is with me, there are Robins everywhere and white feathers have become a welcome feature in the most unusual of places. I feel her protection and guidance.

The trial is still in progress. I gave evidence on Tuesday and was questioned relentlessly by his defence barrister. She tried to confuse me and make me doubt myself but I stayed calm, took my time to explain. She tried to make me angry too, suggesting I was lying which touched a nerve but I didn’t react. I stood my ground and told the truth. The Police detectives said I nailed it and came across really well, they were full of praise and support which was very sweet. They said it’s going well but it’s hard to know how the Jury will see it, I don’t know if his wife or colleagues will be providing some sort of character witness. I don’t know very much about it which was necessary to preserve the integrity of the case and my evidence. I’d like to be there for the verdict but not sure if I could cope with it. I’ll just have faith and wait patiently.

If I felt pressure at being questioned and I was telling the truth then I’m not sure how he’ll cope covering up his actions and telling lies. I gave everything I had in court, it was harder than I expected. When I finished and left the court room I burst into tears, tears of relief from holding all the emotions in, and supressing my reactions. I’m quite an articulate person and it overwhelmed me. I really feel for anyone who faces that, it is like being abused all over again in some ways. It’s done, I can’t do anything more now but hope.

Thursday 20th November 2014

Day 28 of Moon – last day of moon cycle.

Guilty on all counts!!!!!

The Jury didn’t take very long to decide, it was very quick apparently.

Guilty, Guilty, Guilty!

Relief…Overwhelmed…No words.

My abuser got six years so his sentence ends now, I believe he only served three years in prison. My sentence continues. Harsher punishment for abuse is needed, especially by those in a position of trust and authority. I have friends who served longer in prison for drug offences, they hurt themselves, not innocent children they were given a duty to educate and protect. I feel we’re punishing the wrong people, things need to change. I didn’t expect to feel so emotional today but I am, for many reasons.

I promised myself that if he was found guilty I would change my life and I did. I’m proud of all the changes that I’ve made since this day six years ago. I miss Marcel who supported me through it all, who held me when I collapsed in tears after hearing the result. So many feelings but that’s ok, I no longer need to numb them, I welcome them. They remind me I’m alive, that I survived and there is still so much work to do.

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